Gandalf the Redneck
by Silwyth
Summary: It was jest so halarious ah c'dn't resist! Fry mah hide!
1. Thar 1st

**This hyar is mah ONLY disclaimer!  
aH DOESN'T OWN ENNYTHIN' THET AIN'T MINE!  
ah doesn't own enny of th' chareeckers, but ah own th' ideas.**

_Histo'ian's Note: These letters is writ fum Gan'a'f th' Grey t'Legolas Greenleaf jest af'er he "fell" in Mo'ia an' was separeeted fum th' Fellership. Now Gan'a'f is a-gonna find info'mashun on th' Rin' an' is hopin' t'meet back up wif th' ress of th' Compenny..._

_Translation: These letters are written from Gandalf the Grey to Legolas Greenleaf just after he "fell" in Moria and was separated from the Fellowship. Now Gandalf is going to find information on the Ring and is hoping to meet back up with the rest of the Company... oh yeah, and somehow he transforms into a Redneck...  
_

Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f  
(Long time, No e'f)

Hey Legolas!

This hyar is Gan'a'f, in case yo've fo'gotten, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Yo' know, thet tall, old guy wif th' trimenjus nose... ah wears th' stoopid hat...

Okay, now thet yo' remember me, fella does ah have noos. While yo've been off polishin' yer bow, fightin' Orcs an' kickin' butt, I've been busy.

Lissen up, ah have fine noos. ah have foun' the...

the... mmm, dawgone it...

the... er...

the... um...

Oh dang, ah fo'got whut ah was a-gonna say...

Hey, stop laughin', e'f fella! We wizards haf smarts in our brains, an' sometimes a bit of it leaks out on account o' we haf so much. Unlike yo' – nothin' between yer ears...

ah have become... (look aroun' so no one's watchin'! Fry mah hide!)

(Is they gone?)

(Is yo' sho'nuff?)

(_Is thet yer final answer?_)

(Okay, I'll hoof it on...)

ah have become Robin Hood! Fry mah hide! (hehehe less watch thet sad li'l e'f brain try t'unnerstan'...)

Give up yet?

Wal, ah have joined th' Merry Men as their leader! Acshully, when ah was ridin' mah houn'dog through th' woods ah felt off... (Hey! Wizards isn't puffick yo' know! We kin't see ev'ry branch!)

Ennyway, ah fell off. An' ah lan'ed on this hyar dude in green, as enny fool kin plainly see. At fust ah thunk he was t'other wizard, Sumpin-o'-Other th' Green. But then ah noticed he was warin' tights, an' thet thunk went out th' window. No decent wizard'd wears green tights in th' fo'est.

He was polite, though, I'll give him thet...

So, ah lan'ed on him an' he said, "Ouch! Fry mah hide!" (Wal, whut did yo' speck?)

ah said, '"Oh! So'ry, ah didn't see yo' thar. Yo' kind of blended in, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yo' know... all thet green..."

He replied, "Oh, doesn't wo'ry about it. Happens all th' time!"

ah got up, an' he'ped him up. Then ah said, "Hey, is yo' Robin Hood?"

He looked aroun', "Eff'n ah tell yo', I'll hafta kill yo'."

ah looked down on him, he was sho'ter than I, an' said, "ah's a wizard, Mr. Green Tights. ah c'd kill yo' wif a wrinkle of mah nose."

Mr. Green Tights thunk about thet fo' a moment, then he said, "Really? I've nevah met a wizard. Whar's yer wan'? Whar's th' broomstick? Whut in tarnation is yo', some kind of cheap wizard, o' sumpin..."

ah was so mad, ah accidentally wrinkled mah nose. Mr. Green Tights went out like a light.

ah said, 'Oopsy.'

Suddenly a large man scooted out fum behind some bushes, he looked at me, then looked at Mr. Green Tights on th' groun'. Or which was lef' off him, he had so't of been redooced t'a pile of sizzlin', green ashes. Th' large man looked back at me an' ah almost, almost, took a step back. Shet mah mouth! Even wif mah nasal powers, his size was intimidatin'. Eff'n ah hadn't had been a wizard, ah may haf wet mahse'f.

Th' large man said in a deep voice, "Yo' killed Robin Hood! Fry mah hide!"

ah blinked in surprise, 'Oh, so he was Robin Hood then.'

Th' man said, "Thet's right, an' now he's daid!"

ah said, "Oh right, so'ry about thet. ah didn't mean to."

Th' man patted me on th' sh'der, "Thet's okay, his green tights were beginnin' t'creep me out ennyway."

ah axed him, "Whut in tarnation's yer name?"

Th' giant said, "ah's Li'l John-Boy."

ah exclaimed, "Whut in tarnation kind of a name is thet!"

Li'l John-Boy shrugged, "Th' dude in th' tights gave it t'me." ah scratched mah haid, sho'ly Robin Hood was mo'e disturbed then ah had evah imagined. Whut in tarnation kind of lejundary man named a giant, 'Li'l John-Boy.

ah said, "Thet's a lousy name, Li'l John-Boy. No offense."

Li'l John-Boy replied, "None thar taken."

ah finally said, "Wal, Mr. Green Tights is daid, so I'll give yo' a noo name. Hencefo'th, yo' shall now be known as Vertically Gif'ed John-Boy!"

Vertically Gif'ed John-Boy nodded, "Oooh, ah like it!"

He then axed, "Do yer hankerin' t'become our noo leader? Robin's daid by yer nose. Sho'ly yer the dawgoned-est pow'ful bein' t'walk this hyar Middle Earth!"

ah blushed red, 'Oh come off it... Yo' doesn't mean it...'

Vertically Gif'ed John-Boy corntinued, "Yo''d be th' puffick leader, defeatin' Robin witcher nose is a great feat. Besides, ah knows sevahal Merry Men who need yer he'p."

Is yo' impressed, Legolas? In two seconds yo' might kill an Orc. But in two seconds ah replaced Robin Hood, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah even surprise mahse'f!

Wal, ah muss be gwine now!

'Till th' next time! Have a nice day, Squeaky Clean Legolas!

Slightly Greyin' Gan'a'f

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Okay varmints - ah knows this is crazy, but jest wawk wif me! Don't wo'ry, th' next chappers become mo'e... wierd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Don't fo'git t'Review! Fry mah hide!

Note: If this was a bit too much for you, an English translation can be found on my profile. Just click the regular "The Lost Letters of Gandalf" - lol

I don't expect anyone to like these, I just couldn't help myself. Double LOL  
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	2. Thar 2nd

**Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f **

(Befo'e Mr. Green Tights)

Dear E'f-Fella,

About thet thin' ah fo'got...

ah remember now. It was mah previous incounter wif two odd chareeckers. Not wif Mr. Green Tights, I'd nevah laid eyes, o' a nose, on him befo'e. This hyar deals wif t'other wizard, a _real_ cheap-scape. Merlin, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yessuh, thet li'l pip-squeak thet hangs aroun' thet Arthur feller. Acshully, ah was mighty surprised t'find he hadn't been killed yet... so menny inemies he's accumulated, cuss it all t' tarnation. Oh fine... Th' fack is ah ran into him, dawgone it. Wal, ah didn't helter-skelter into him... acshully ah was sittin'. An' ah was roastin' mah patootees – thet was mah lunch yo' see. Okay, let me start at th' beginnin'...

ah was ridin' mah houn'dog (ah hadn't fallen off it at thet point) when ah passed by a mighty lovely lake. It was so purdy ah jest had t'stop an' stare at it fo' awhile. Th' waters were mighty peaceful, calm an' blue. It reminded me of yo', only yer not full of fish. (No, ah's not implyin' yer purdy – but thet yer _calm_ an' _peaceful_ – stoopid e'f; ah cain't believe ah had t'explain thet...)

Starin' at th' lake, mah stomach growled at me. Acshully, it also shook th' earth an' accidentally cuzd some li'l Volcano t'erupp on over some small city called Pompeii. (Stoopid Men built a city unner a volcano, ah's beginnin' t'reckon th' wo'ld is full of them type of varmints.) Ennyway, ah was hungry. So ah axed mahse'f, whar better t'eat lunch than next t'this lovely lake? Besides, eff'n ah had waited enny longer t'feed mah grumblin' stomach, it probably'd haf opened a crack in th' earth an' swallered up th' lake, an' me along wif it.

ah tied mah houn'dog t'a near by rock, spread out a Grey blanket, an' frowned.Outta th' co'ner of mah eye was th' hilt of a swo'd stickin' outta rock.

ah said, "Thet is mighty odd place t'put a swo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation."

Af'er tellyng mah stomach thet eff'n it shook th' earth agin ah w'dn't feed it fo' t'other two hundred years, ah walked on over t'th' rock an' touched th' hilt. Th' hilt didn't move an inch. ah frowned.

When Gan'a'f th' Grey touched sumpin, it moved, cuss it all t' tarnation.

ah said, "Thet is mighty VERY odd."

ah grabbed th' hilt an' pulled wif all mah stren'th, wrinklin' mah nose fo' fine measure. Th' swo'd popped out wif a hissin' soun'.

Whut in tarnation had looked like a lovely blade, ah was surprised t'find, turned out t'be a steamin', mutilated, metal stick wishin' it was a blade. ah frowned, whut a waste of time.

Turnin' back t'mah picnic, ah sneezed. Flames shot outta mah nose an' created a small li'l fire right beside mah blanket. Searchin' through mah pack ah got out some patootees, which ah had 'bo'rowed' fum some Hobbits. Lookin' at th' metal stick wif th' swo'd hilt, ah smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. A great idea came t'me, as only great ideas kin.

ah stuck th' patootees on th' metal stick, stuck them on over th' fire, an' proceeded t'roast them as one roasted marshmallers. Mebbe th' metal stick warn't as useless as ah had origeenally thunk. Fry mah hide!

Ennyway, thar ah sat, roastin' mah patootees when th' groun' suddenly shook. Shet mah mouth! At fust ah began t'scold mah stomach, but then ah gasped as th' lake waters streamed upward in a speckacular show of sprayin' liquids an' sparklin' light. Amidst these streamin' waters was a mighty right purdy woomin decked in blue. Upon closer examinashun, she WAS blue. Her gown an' hair was flowin' water an' she was made outta thet which was th' sky. Her eyes shined like two li'l stars. Th' Lady of th' Lake.

ah held out mah noo roastin' stick an' axed mighty politely, "Patootie?"

Th' Lady looked at th' stick then back t'me in disbelief, like it was th' stoopidess quesshun she had evah heard. ah was insulted, it was a mighty sensible quesshun, cornsiderin' she lived in a lake an' probably th' only thin' she gotta ett was fish. An' let me tell yo', E'f-Fella, yo' kin git pow'ful tired of fish pow'ful fast.

She said in a voice like moosic, "Oh Merlin! Finally yo' haf come t'reclaim th' swo'd, Excalibur, fum th' stone."

Th' name Merlin rang a bell, but Excalibur? ah looked at th' stone wears mah roastin' stick had once sat. Then ah looked back at mah roastin' stick. Shet mah mouth!

ah said, holdin' up mah roastin' stick, "Yo' mean this?'"

Th' Lady gasped, "Excalibur! Fry mah hide! Whut in tarnation haf yo' done t'it!"

ah looked at mah roaster, "Looks mo'e like a 'Pathetic' t'me, but yo' kin call it whutevah yo' like."

Th' Lady shouted, " 'Pathetic?' Thet is Excalibur! Yo' destroyed Excalibur! Fry mah hide!"

ah said, "Oh, ah did? So'ry about thet, but it was kind of stuck in a rock..."

Th' Lady shook her haid, "Stoopid Man, as enny fool kin plainly see."

ah gasped in outrage, "Man? MAN! Fry mah hide! ah's a wizard, thank yo' mighty much!"

ah was so infuriated, ah wrinkled mah nose. Th' Lady an' her lake disappeared in a great flash. Probably sent t'some far off corntinent, o' mebbe even t'other planet. Less jest say ah was mighty grateful ah was not th' Lady of th' Lake thet day.

ah said, "Dang, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! ah pow'ful haf gotta start a-gonna them Nasal He'p Groups. Thet's th' third time this hyar week! Fry mah hide!"

Sittin' down, ah quickly ett three patootees an' added two noo ones t'mah noo roaster. Suddenly th' bushes restled off in th' distance. ah wrinkled mah nose, but not fo' magical purposes. ah smelled th' sent of a lame wizard, Merlin! Fry mah hide! Merlin, allus th' chatter box, marched outta th' bushes, robes swin'in' wif his wild an' unsteady pace. Follerin' behind him was a yo'nger feller wif a crown of gold, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah thunk this hyar was mighty odd, cornsiderin' th' race of Men had no kin', then ah sar who he was. Kin' Arthur fum th' court of Camelot! Fry mah hide! Merlin marched in mah direckshun, then spotted th' lake. Wal, now mo'e of a bone dry pit, but ennyway...

Merlin cried in terro', "Th' lake! Th' lake!"

Th' pore man looked so depressed ah held out mah roaster, "Patootie?"

Merlin whacked mah patootees wif th' back side of his han', sendin' them into th' dest. Mah stomach lurked an' shook th' groun', annoyed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah patted it an' muttered, 'ah knows he's rude, but he's a Man, remember?' ah w'd nevah call Merlin a wizard, cuss it all t' tarnation.

Th' patootees flew into mah han' wif a wink of mah eye, an' ah dested them off wif mah bard, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah offered one t'th' kin', "Patootie?"

Kin' Arthur shook his haid, "No, but thank yo' fo' axin'."

ah shrugged an' popped t'other one into mah mouth. As ah munched on mah patootie ah said - spewin' patootie bits as Gimili spews lugies, "Needs butter."

Merlin, nevah payin' attenshun t'me, cried, "Whut in tarnation has happened t'th' lake!"

ah swallered th' patootie in one trimenjus gu'p an' piped up, "So'ry, but thet was me."

Merlin looked at me in shock, "But whut happened t'th' Lady of th' Lake?"

ah scratched th' back of mah haid, "Oh, thet was kind of me, too."

Merlin whirled aroun' in ho'ro', "Whut in tarnation!"

ah shrugged, "ah didn't mean to, it jest so't of happened, cuss it all t' tarnation."

Merlin exclaimed, "Oh, so yo' jest happened t'aim some gun at her an' shoot her full of lead?"

ah blinked, "Gun? Whut in tarnation is a gun? ah used mah nose."

Kin' Arthur brightened up, "Yo' used yer nose? Thet's mighty awesome!"

ah nodded, "Yessuh, ah doesn't use guns. Gun, soun's like a sissy weapon t'me. Let me guess, they're made by th' elves?"

Arthur's eyes widened, igno'in' mah other quesshun, "Yer an even greater wizard than Merlin! Fry mah hide! Pray tell, whut is thy name?"

ah blinked, "Oh me? ah's Gan'a'f th' Grey. Notice all th' Grey..."

Merlin interrupped, "Oh, who cares whut his name is! Come, Arthur! Fry mah hide! Excalibur awaits!"

ah pointed t'mah roaster jest as Merlin spotted th' emppy rock, "Oh, thet'd be this. It kind of busted."

Merlin's eyes popped open, as enny fool kin plainly see. Arthur, not carin' one bit, stood off t'th' side an' watched wif interess as Merlin went into t'other fit.

Merlin gasped, "Yo' busted it! Fry mah hide!"

ah sighed, 'Wal, technically ah didn't bust it... cornsiderin' it was stuck in a rock...'

Merlin exclaimed, grabbin' Excalibur fum mah han', "It was supposed t'be in a rock! Fry mah hide!"

Then he began t'sob. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Arthur whispered in mah ear, "So'ry about him, he's a bit pathetic."

ah nodded, "Kind of like his swo'd thar."

Merlin sobbed louder, he blew his nose on his bard, cuss it all t' tarnation.

ah winced, "Is he allus like this?"

Arthur shrugged, "Don't knows mahse'f, he jest started follerin' me aroun' one day. Put a crown on mah haid an' turned me into a kin'. ah didn't be hankerin' t'be a kin', yo' know. ah jest wanted t'be a Pig-Fella, but no... Merlin'dn't hear of Arthur th' Pig-Fella..."

ah scratched mah bard an' was so busy reckonin' ah wrinkled mah nose. Merlin's hair disappeared, cuss it all t' tarnation. Merlin put his han's up t'his haid in shock an' amazement.

Arthur cried out, "Righteous!"

ah said, "Oopsy. It's mah nasal powers, they haf a mind of their own, as enny fool kin plainly see."

Merlin turned on me, "How dast yo'...!"

ah info'med him, "Not I, mah nose. Thar's a difference yo' know."

Merlin began rantin' an' ravin'. Kin' Arthur an' ah igno'ed him, dawgone it. ah held up a patootie t'th' Kin', "Now does yer hankerin' a patootie? ah reckon we'll be hyar awhile."

Legolas, whut happened af'er thet ah's not sho'nuff. Kin' Arthur an' ah spoke of menny thin's, politics, th' economah, th' velocity of an unladen African Sparrow, whuffo' bananas is yeller... ah guess ah muss haf dozed off. Fo' when ah awoke, both Arthur an' Merlin were gone. Ennyhow, thet was mah adventure. Af'er thet ah jumped back upon mah houn'dog, an' rode into th' fo'ess to fall off mah houn'dog an' helter-skelter into Mr. Green Tights.

Wal, ah muss begin on mah journey agin. Fo' now thet ah have lost mah houn'dog, ah have been travelin' much slower. ah tried t'steal a houn'dog, but then these other real houn'dogs chased me up a tree. Most unpleasant.

Goo'bye! Legolas, may yer journeys be less... odd, cuss it all t' tarnation.

Gan'a'f th' Grey. _Seriously_, yo'd reckon someone'd notice all th' Grey...

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Pore Gan'a'f gittin' chased up a tree... Muss ah say 'please review' o' is thet already implied?

Thet was quite nice, but only one thin' has been buggin' me... Do yo' reckon ah sh'd haf t'other chareeckers (sech as Merlin an' Kin' Arthur) speak in Redneck as well? Or sh'd ah make them speak in crazy British accents? 

**Melpomene**: Glad they made you laugh. I think of the Letters as just pure weirdness shoved into a Redneck hat.

**Anawey**: Yeah... they are interesting... Who would have thought of Gandalf in Redneck? (_Me! Pick me!_)

**Glorfindel34**: lol – your poor mother...

**Legolas's Girl 9**: Go Rednecks! Fry mah hide!

**OobecGee**: There, I changed the title... hope you can review now! I was going to change it to Gandalf the Red(neck) – but it wouldn't let me do that... so now I'm stuck with using " " - pooey.  
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	3. Thar 3rd

**Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f  
**(Evil Shrubberies, an' Really Bad Eggs) 

Howdy,

Eff'n yer not Legolas, put this hyar letter back into its floatin' bottle an' throw it back. Shet mah mouth!

Eff'n it is yo', E'f-Fella, ah's mighty surprised yo' haf gotten mah letter.

Now, doesn't git enny ideas. Jest so yo' know, no, ah do not usually send mah letters by floatin' rum bottles. Howevah, at th' moment, it seemed t'be th' bess idea cornsiderin' ah's stuck on an islan'. Yessuh, them li'l dots of lan' covahed wif bananas? ah's thar, an' ah's surroun'ed by th' Trimenjus Blue Ocean, as enny fool kin plainly see.

It is trimenjus... an' blue. ah thunk as much! Fry mah hide! (Nothin' gits past Gan'a'f th' Grey! Fry mah hide!)

Wal, ah guess it'd be bess if ah tell yo' how ah got out hyar, cornsiderin' ah was walkin' farther inlan' t'find info'mashun on th' Rin' of Power...

ah was walkin' on account o', as yo' already know, ah fell off mah houn'dog. Wal, ah was walkin' along these quite untidy paths when ah met an armah of shrubbery. ah tired shovin' mah staff at them, winkin', an' even did a few tap dancin' steps... Yo' doesn't need t'knows whar ah larned them, dawgone it... heh-heh...

So they were pow'ful quite annoyin', but it'd haf been quite lame eff'n ah had given up on th' quess to stop th' Rin' of Power on account of some shrubbery. This hyar bein' so, ah made mah way through them wif as much dilijunce as ah c'd musser.

This hyar in itse'f was quite a tax. Fo' one t'keep their dignity while walkin' through scratchy, tangly, shrubbery... less jest say it's hard, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah was able t'walk through th' shrubbery until one particularly unruly bush grabbed me by th' foot an' tripped me! ah's positive it did it on purpose!

ah allus knowed shrubberies were evil, ah reckon...

Ennyhow, ah was quite mad as a weasel in a blender at th' shrubbery, an' th' path itse'f – as mad as a weasel in a blender, so ah wrinkled mah nose.

Let it be said, it is not fine t'wrinkle yer nose at sumpin... while yer still on it.

ah have allus wonnered whar thin's hoof it when ah wrinkle mah nose at them, dawgone it. Now ah know, out in th' middle of th' trimenjus blue. Mebbe even a wo'ld away - fum whut ah witnessed next, but wait... ah's gittin' ahaid of mahse'f...

Th' path an' bush disappeared, me along wif it. Wif a **pop**, fo' it was instantaneous, ah arrived out in th' middle of th' ocean, as enny fool kin plainly see. We hovahed nicely fo' a few moments above th' waves. ah c'd see no lan', not even a bit of floatin' sea ke'p. Surprised, ah jest so't of sat thar until th' path, bein' unable t'float on its, own fell into th' waves. Me along wif it.

To mah surprise th' waves were not cold but lukewarm, eifer thet o' th' freezin' cold temperatures were makin' me lose mah mind, cuss it all t' tarnation. Takin' thet into account ah swam fo' mah dear, Grey life.

As ah swam ah reckanized a great shadow had fallen on over me. Behind me was a great billerin' ship, racin' at me wif th' speed of 10 houn'dogs!

Wif a squeak, ah wiggled mah ears. Th' ship stopped in its tracks, sevahal inches fum mah large nose.

It was not long befo'e a haid peeped on over th' rim of th' ship. He looked down at me in surprised, cuss it all t' tarnation.

ah looked up at him, waved an' shouted, 'Howdy! Fry mah hide! - ah like yer boat!'

Th' pore feller went t'git his cappain, a bizarre (which is quite an unnerstatement) man who c'd use a decent hair cut. Th' cappain's name was Jack Sumpin-Or-Other... he was named af'er a bird though. Which, in mah opinion, is better than bein' named af'er a _Tree_, Legolas Greenleaf. Ennyhow, Jack an' his crew welcomed me aboard, cuss it all t' tarnation. It was wifin these few moments ah foun' ah was among pirates!

ah have allus been a fine wizard, an' ah did, af'er all, haf a quess to finish. ah told them quite plainly t'drop me off at th' nearess lan' mass an' bid me farefine.

Wal, they dropped me off at a li'l islan' sayin', they too were on a quest. Sumpin about gittin' a silly boat... th' Black Pearl, Black Stone, Black Sumpin-Or-Other... Ennyhow, so ah sat at th' islan' fo' sevahal days.

ah soon reckanized ah was probably better off on th' pirate ship. Eatin' coconuts gits quite bo'in' af'er a spell an' ah had already ett up all mah patootees. Also, eff'n yo' took into account thet ah c'd walk all th' way aroun' th' islan' in unner ten minutes - this hyar was not he'pin' me on mah quest.

Th' next mo'nin' when ah woke up Cappain Jack was thar, along wif a woomin named Elizabeth. ah was mighty surprised an' they said thet they were cast off an' lef' on th' islan' t'starve. Then Jack revealed a hidden sto'age of rum, dawgone it... yessuh, it is wif one of them bottles ah sent this hyar message in, as enny fool kin plainly see.

In mah opinion, fo' yessuh, ah _allus_ haf an opinion... Pirates is not a mighty smart so't of varmints. So't of like a Orc/hoomin crost breed, only they doesn't stink as much. Instead they ett too much, an' fart way too offen. (Yo' doesn't need t'knows whar ah got thet li'l piece of info'mashun, eifer...) Not only this, but they haf this thin' about a pirate song, in which they proceed t'call themselves 'Really Bad Eggs'. Mo'e like 'Really Moldy Wif-Thet-Kind-of-Mold-Thet-Smells-Weird Eggs'! Fry mah hide!

Wal, ah muss be off. Elizabeth is throwin' ev'rythin' into a giant, raggin' bonfire. So ah better send this hyar letter befo'e she gits a hold of it. ah shall write agin, so does not fear. It takes mo'e than a few 'Really Bad Eggs' t'brin' down Gan'a'f th' Grey! Fry mah hide!

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Eff'n yo' doesn't review, I'll sick Gan'a'f's nose on yo'! Fry mah hide!  
Either that, or I'll have Jack drool in your lap...

**Legolas's Girl 9**: Dang right dem righteous!

**Legolas Princely Greenleaf**: _Yo Elf-Boy!_ Took you long enough to review to your letters... Gandalf's really _PO_ed you haven't written him back yet. I'll try to hold him back for you, but I have this think about being burnt to death by Nose...  
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	4. Thar 4th

**Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f  
**(Pirates, in mah opinion, as enny fool kin plainly see...)

Thet does it! Fry mah hide! ah's nevah travelin' by water agin!

Legolas, yer so lucky yer too possum t'travel away fum yer elven fo'ests. ah have spent sevahal days in a holdin' cell wif Cappain Jack Sumpin-Bird, cuss it all t' tarnation. Mr. In-Charge (No'rin'ton o' sumpin like thet,), ah nevah pow'ful got his name, (He was warin' a stoopid triangle hat, an' he had a tiny ponytail, ah reckon. He also spoke like a prissy, stuck-up, Mammy's fella... but ennyway...) he believed ah was a pirate, so hyar ah's.

ah muss make a recommendashun, these cells is way too small t'hold two varmints. ah woke up this hyar mo'nin', an' foun' Jack on mah sh'der. Oh yessuh, thar was also a li'l puddle of drool, but ah was speckin' thet fum a pirate. ah hope ah nevah meet t'other pirate evah agin. Gimme Orcs, gimme evil wizards, gimme giant, unblinkin' eyes, jest doesn't gimme pirates! In mah opinion Pirates is acshully Really Awful, Disto'ted, _Nevah-Sh'd-Have-Come-Out-Of-The-Possum_ Eggs! Not only this, but they muss be some so't of alien sent t'decrease th' intellyjunce of th' hoomin race! (ah do reckon this hyar is so't of a waste of time on their part, Men kin't git much mo'e stoopid than they already are...)

Look at all th' time on mah han's, ah's reckonin' about aliens fo' fineness sakes!

When evah yo' feel like a-comin' an' savin' me, be mah guest.

Gan'a'f th' Gwine Insane, Grey

P.S. Do yo' haf enny extry bibs Jack kin bo'row?

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Whut in tarnation kin ah say? Gan'a'f's a whiner...  
So'ry it's sho't, I'll git th' next Letter up fast...

You _must_ review... you cannot resist the _Redneck power_...!

**Faerlach**: I'm glad you like it! And I'm glad you can understand it – lol

**Alateriel567**: You'd be surprised how many mothers think their children have gone insane after reading some of my stuff. Keep reviewing and I'll keep posting! Jurrasic Park... hmm...  
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	5. Thar 5th

Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f  
(Th' Smarty Pants of th' Wo'ld: Monkeys)

Yo ho! Fry mah hide!

Yo ho! Fry mah hide!

ah have not deciphard th' meanin' of this hyar phrase, but ah have foun' it useful t'use it in ev'ry other sentence. It's some so't of pirate code talk. Shet mah mouth! Fo' example Jack'd say, "Yo ho! A pirates life fo' me!" Th' latter was mighty obvious, cornsiderin' th' fack, he is, indeed, a pirate. Howevah, this hyar "Yo ho! Fry mah hide!" business is unknown t'me. Not even th' block-haided elves haf sumpin so block-haided in their language.

Ennyhow, ah's back in Middle earth. Along wif mah own pirate ban'. (Yessuh, they came wif their own trumpets.) At th' moment ah's takin' them t'Vertically Gif'ed John-Boy's camp. ah doubt he will mind a few recruits, an' wif their intellyjunce level, th' pirates will fit right in, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Howevah, as much as ah despise Jack, ah's brin'in' him along wif me on mah quest. Durin' th' ress of mah voyager on th' Trimenjus Blue, ah fought cursed min thet turned into mummah like creato's in moonlight, an' he'ped solve a Aztec curse. (Which ah thunk was extremely intellyjunt of me, cornsiderin' ah have nevah heard of an Aztec befo'e.) To mah surprise, ah foun' Jack t'be quite resourceful an' brave. He also has this hyar piratey flare which gives him style. Th' only real downside t'Jack is thet he's nevah heard of a soap bar an' so th' only thin' thet matches his terrible breath is his serious B.O.

While ah's brin'in' him wif me, ah doubt ah shall evah intrydooce him t'other members of Middle Earth. He'd probably git hisse'f killed by insultin' someone. Like Kin' Arthur o' Merlin, ah still haf no idea whar they went off to.

Ennyhow, ah will soon begin mah quess fo' th' Rin', but now ah muss tell yo' of mah meetin' of th' monkey, who is also named Jack. (Hey, ah can talk t'_moths_, whut makes yo' reckon ah cain't talk t'_monkeys_?)

ah said, "Howdy, furry one."

Th' monkey replied, "Beardy, th' name's Jack. Monkey Jack."

ah nodded, 'All right then, Monkey Jack, tell me whut is yo' doin' on a pirate's ship?"

Monkey Jack said, "Whuffo' w'dn't ah be on a pirate's ship?"

ah shrugged, 'Wal, pirates usually haf parrots. It's a unyversal trade mark, yo' know."

Monkey Jack gasped as thunk reckonin' on over it fo' th' fust time, "Pirates sh'dn't haf monkeys?"

ah frowned an' stroked mah bard, "I've nevah met a monkey befo'e, so ah c'dn't tell yo'."

Ponnerin' on this hyar a spell, ah continued, "Acshully, I've nevah even met a parrot."

Cappain Jack walked up behind me, he axed, 'Whut's yo' doin', old man?'

ah replied, annoyed, "Yo ho! Whut in tarnation does it look like ah's doin', _li'l_ fella. Yo! ah's talkin' t'th' monkey. Ho!"

Cappain Jack blinked then axed, "Really? Whut's he sayin'?"

Monkey Jack axed, "Whut's wif th' trimenjus hairy hoomin thet needs a decent haircut?"

ah whispered, 'Thet's whut _ah_ w'd like t'know..."

ah said t'Cappain Jack, "Th' monkey says yer quite... er... charmin'... Yo ho..."

Monkey Jack slapped his fo'ehaid, "Mo'e like giant dope..."

Cappain Jack, evah igno'ant t'thet of monkey ways, said, "Tell th' monkey, 'Thank yo'."

ah turned t'Monkey Jack, "Dummah, hyar, agrees wif yo'."

Monkey Jack thunk on over this hyar fo' a spell, "Amazin', usually hoomins ah insult hoof it into denial."

ah thunk on over this hyar a moment, "So't of like an E'f ah know..."

Monkey Jack frowned, "E'f? Isn't them th' li'l dudes thet wawk fo' Santa?"

ah blinked, "Santa?"

We both shook our haids, "Nevah mind, cuss it all t' tarnation..."

Cappain Jack frowned suddenly an' deman'ed, 'Whut in tarnation's its name?"

ah blinked, "Fust of all, it's not an "it". It's a monkey, an' his name is Jack - Monkey Jack."

Cappain Jack screamed, "Mate! Thet's Barbosta's psycho monkey sidekick! Fry mah hide!"

ah tugged mah bard thunkfully, "Yo' doesn't say..."

Cappain Jack grabbed th' monkey an' tried t'throw him on overboard, cuss it all t' tarnation. But Monkey Jack, bein' th' monkey he was, bit Cappain Jack's fingers an' pooped on his pants. Then he scooted off an' disappeared unner a crack in th' flore. Jack is cornviced th' monkey's plottin' our destruckshun, o' sumpin aroun' them lines... _ah_ reckon thet pirate had gotten a li'l mo'e than too much sun, as enny fool kin plainly see...

Sadly, Monkey Jack c'd not come wif me on mah journey. It was nice t'have finally met someone of mah intellyjunce fo' a change, even eff'n was was a psycho monkey. I've allus foun' this hyar so't of odd, cornsiderin' hoomins evolved fum monkeys. Mo'e like _devolved_, cuss it all t' tarnation...

Wal, E'f-Fella...

ah muss be movin' on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Jack, th' hoomin Jack, is cravin' a 'six pack'. Which ah have larned is mo'e like a few giant gu'ps. Them giant gu'ps thet make yo' burp one of them burps thet tell yo' whut yo've ett up fo' th' past few days. Then th' pirate usually passes out an' starts sno'in' sumpin dreadful, ah reckon. It's inough t'put enny bar man outta business! So, ah muss move on - so he don't double back into town an' grab a 'small six pack.'

Hope yer havin' fun wifout me...

Which is probably impostible, cornsiderin' we wizards is th' Party Animals of Middle Earth.

Gan'a'f th' Grey

P.S. Th' reason th' pirates came wif me t'Middle Earth was t'other nose accident. One moment ah's quite mad as a weasel in a blender at Jack, then hyar we all is back in Middle Earth. ah only hope ah have not harmed Middle Earth by brin'in' these pirates into th' lan's. Oh yessuh, an' Legolas... who is this hyar one called, cuss it all t' tarnation... Santa?

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This hyar Letter was kind of a set up fo' whut happens next – which means yo' varmints is stuck in suspense! Haha! Fry mah hide! I'll tell yo' this hyar much, though. Th' next Letter has t'do wif lumpy haids. (Yo'll nevah guess it! Fry mah hide!)

**Emily**: Here you go – I'll update it again soon. The next Letter is one of my favorites.

**Yellow Peanutbutter Ruler**: Glad you like it! Sorry you laughed your arse off – hope you can find it. ;)

**anorethunbound**: FRY MAH HIDE FUST!  
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	6. Thar 6th

Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f  
(Th' Funky Fellership, In Case thet Stoopid Legolas/Gimli gits Them all Killed)

Dear Legolas,

Durin' mah travels wif Jack, ah have finally come t'th' conclushun of Santa. He is a trimenjus, fat, man wif a bard who runs th' No'th Pole. Eff'n ah knowed whar th' No'th Pole was, perhaps I'd hoof it viset him, dawgone it. Jack suggested we brin' milk an' cookies as an offerin' of finewill an' peace. A fo'midable combinashun.

Also, unfo'tunately ah have also helter-skelter into a few difficulties. Fo' one, now Galadriel is travelin' wif us, though not by her own free will, ah reckon. Let me explain, but fust... Jack is, how sh'd ah put this, he is not mighty ejoocayted, cuss it all t' tarnation. We went through th' Elven fo'ess an' met Galadriel. She an' Jack... er... didn't pow'ful hit it off. It went somewhut like this...

Galadriel said in mild, but joyful surprise (or at least as joyful as she c'd git, cornsiderin' she's an e'f. Elves is all party poopers. Eff'n it wasn't fo' their pointy ears, they'd nevah be cornsidered '_right fine_'.) , "Gan'a'f th' Grey, we were told yo' were lost in Mo'ia. ah's so glad yer alive."

ah though fo' a moment, "Oh yessuh, Mo'ia... Thet trimenjus, flamin' thin'. Yeah, it was mighty annoyin'. But, of course, ah's a wizard an' so it was only a mino' tax t'defeat it."

As an af'erthunk ah continued, "'Cept fo' th' part when ah fell down th' pit, thet mighty tangled mah bard, cuss it all t' tarnation... took hours fo' it t'comb out."

Galadriel didn't answer, but instead turned t'Jack, "An' who is..."

Jack smiled at her, "Good-day love, mighty nice tree yo' got hyar. A bit breezy though... Yo' muss haf a terrible time wif loggers."

Galadriel's eyes flashed, she echoed, "_Love?_"

Jack shrugged, "Eff'n yo' doesn't like thet, love, ah c'd call yo' sweetheart... o' pumpkin! Fry mah hide! ah_ love _pumpkins, especially when they're in pies. Do _yo'_ like pies?"

Galadriel turned t'me, "An' this hyar is...?"

Jack interrupped, "ah knowed a Eunuch once, ah reckon he liked pies... Acshully, ah nevah axed him mahse'f..."

ah told Galadriel, "This hyar is Jack Sparrow..."

Jack interjecked, "_Cappain_ Jack Sparrow!"

ah continued, "Yessuh, this hyar is Cappain Jack Sparrow, one of mah noo travelin' companions."

Galadriel wrinkled her nose, probably on account o' Jack was breathin' in her direckshun, "Indeed? Is he part of the... Fellership?"

ah said prompply in a whisper, "_Him_? Part of th' _Fellership_? Fry mah hide! Is yo' gone mad, e'f!"

Jack piped up, "Fellership? Not a Eunuch fellership ah hope..."

ah tried desperately t'explain t'Galadriel befo'e she kicked us out, "He's a pirate, kind of mad as a weasel in a blender pow'ful... I've foun' eff'n yo' tune out whut he says he's acshully a quite pleasant feller..."

Jack went on, "Yo' knows whut, pumpkin? Wait! Wait wait! Howsabout doll? Yo' look so't of like a doll, only one of them ha'f-priced ones whose haids is so't of lumpy..."

ah spoke louder, tryin' t'covah his voice, "Yessuh, he's fine wif th' swo'd an' likes... er... six packs..."

Jack said quickly, "ah like weddin's, too."

ah continued frannically, "Ennyway, he's mo'e like one of them quirky side-kicks... Th' kind thet, yo' know, thet ack a bit quirky... it's th' heat – went t'his haid..."

Jack corntinued, "As ah was sayin', doll, ah reckon... ah had this hyar great plan, see? It involved tooth picks... an' _sausage_, lotsa sausage..."

ah said, "Um, dawgone it... yeah, he so't of jest started follerin' me aroun'... ah have absolute no idea whar he came fum... Nevah met him in mah intire life...!"

Jack stated, "Yo' kin nevah haf 'nuff sausage..."

ah went on, "So, as yo' kin imagine, ah loathed t'brin' him hyar... but he's a... he's a free spirit, pow'ful... an' so... um, dawgone it..." At this hyar point in time Galadriel began t'acshully start lookin' like a ha'f-priced doll, her face flamed red wif anger. She'd put a tomato t'shame.

Jack corntinued, "So yo' stick th' sausages on th' toothpicks, savvy? An' put them on a platter, not a possum platter, doll, but a _sausage_ platter..."

By this hyar time ah was writin' up mah own funeral.

Jack began t'speak agin so ah wrinkled mah nose outta desperashun. ah was hopin' t'transpo't Jack back t'th' Caribbean – ah had dastd not does so befo'e, on account o', while ah may be a great wizard, mah corntrol on over th' decishuns of mah nose is far fum great.

To mah ho'ro', Galadriel disappeared wif a puff of smoke.

Jack went on, "An' so yo' put th' sausages of th' sausage platter, but yo' _poison_ 'em fust, see? Doll? _Doll_?... Oh, fine ennyway, so they're poisoned an'..."

ah was in shock, "Oh mah bardy! ah killed Galadriel, th' Lady of th' Wood!"

Jack corntinued, "So when th' bad guys, these Orc fellers, ett th' sausages they start t'foam at th' mouth, like them walruses wif rabbis. An' then, as enny fool kin plainly see..."

A soun' came fum our feet, "Ribbit!" An outraged lookin' frog hopped at our feet.

Jack looked down an' picked it up, "Wal, this hyar is a ha'f-priced frog it ah evah sar one... Good hevvins!" Jack dropped th' frog, while ah thunk, how odd'd it be fo' a frog t'be in th' middle of th' woods in a tree... eff'n postible, mah beard went whiter. Unless th' frog was...

Jack said quite plainly, "Wal, _now_ yo've done it, Gan'a'f! Yo've gone right up an' turned Doll, hyar, into a _ho'ny toad_, cuss it all t' tarnation."

ah said, "Oopsy."

ah bent down an' told Galadriel, "ah was aimin' fo' th' pirate."

Galadriel said, "Croak!"

ah stood up an' scratched mah haid. Someone'd sartinly notice thet Galadriel had turned into a toad.

Especially her fella-friend, Lo'd Celeborn an' raised.

ah gasped, "Lo'd Celeborn an' raised! He'll kill us eff'n he finds out we turned Galadriel into a toad! Fry mah hide!"

Jack said, annoyed, "_We_? Hey, yo' got me into this, savvy? An' besides thet, mate, she's a ho'ny toad, cuss it all t' tarnation."

ah paced, makin' sho'nuff not t'step on th' Lady of th' Wood. Eff'n ah used mah nose agin, ah might turn Jack into a toad. ah doubted Galadriel'd care fo' his compenny.

A voice shouted, "Ahh! Wizard Gan'a'f!'

ah gasped, "Lo'd Celebron!"

Jack sighed, "Yo' know, ah's beginnin' t'reckon all elves is Eunuchs... it's th' only explanashun..."

Jack picked up Galadriel an' stuck her in his pocket, "In yo' go, doll, ah reckon. Or sh'd ah call yo' toady, o' mebbe froggy? Hey, whut about _Frogger_!"

Lo'd Celeborn an' raised seemed t'float up t'us. Jack whispered, "He ain't one of them cursed daid ones, is he?"

ah turned t'him an' whispered, "Silence, yo' insane pirate, keep yer tongue in yer mouth whar it belongs an' mebbe we shall keep our haids."

As an af'erthunk ah added wif cornvickshun, "Yo ho! Fry mah hide!"

Celebron said, "Gan'a'f, ah's so glad t'see yo' in fine health. We were told yo' had fallen in Mo'ia."

ah echoed, "Fallen? Wal, mo'e o' less aroun' them lines."

Celebron looked aroun', "But whar is th' Lady Galadriel? Was she not hyar t'greet yo'?"

Jack said, "Yessuh, charmin' e'f pow'ful... She so't of went..."

ah bust out, "She went away!"

Celebron blinked at mah out bust, "Away?"

ah confirmed, "Away... hey, yo' knows whut! We need t'be gittin' away, also! It was so nice t'see yo' agin, but yo' know... kin't spare one second! Got t'destroy thet Evil Rin' of Power! Goo'bye!"

ah dragged Jack along wif me, an' we exited th' fo'ess as fast as we c'd. Jack reminded me, "Mate, this hyar Galadriel Lady's still in mah pocket..."

ah said, "ah know! Fry mah hide!"

Jack went on, "An' she's still a toad..."

ah said, "Fry mah hide! ah know!"

An' thet is how th' Lady of th' Ho'ny Toads joined us on our quess to he'p destroy th' Rin' of Power.

Gan'a'f th' Wo'ried, Grey

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Oh come on, ah knows yo' all wanted t'see Galadriel git turned into a toad!  
This hyar was about the dawgoned-est hilarious Letter ah reckon I've writ yet... ah jest kin't wait fo' yo' guys t'meet th' Frenchguy whose acshully Spanish... (Oh course ah's not a-gonna tell yo' who he is!)

**Teha**: Haha! I'm glad you like! Hope you don't get into too much trouble in the library.

**Mystic Archer Horse**: I hope these live up to your expectations:)  
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